Sunset in the Rearview Mirror
By Sheryl A. Simons
It was almost dusk as I drove home from work one night, the setting sun on my left. With a slight headache, my thoughts drifted through my day at work at the domestic violence shelter, where we never know from one moment to the next what to expect.
As I drove I thought of my life and all the changes that had come about. I, too, had once been the victim of domestic violence. I was never beaten. I was threatened, yelled at, and had things thrown at me, but I never identified this as abuse. I'd always thought abuse was hitting and physical pain.
The sky was slowly darkening, and the feathery wisps of clouds turned to pretty pastels as I drove along. I continued to keep one eye on the clouds as I watched the road and let my mind wander. I had often tried to reason with my husband. I would say he didn't need to yell - I could hear what he was trying to say. I just didn't always agree with him. Did we have to think the same way about everything? Was that what it meant to be submissive? I usually acquiesced. My husband was the head of the household; I was the wife. That was my role. Often I felt put down and betrayed - the butt of my husband's jokes. But my own husband wouldn't want to do that, would he? He loved me! I must be the cause of our problems. Soon, it became easier to just agree with my husband, rather than fight. I wanted peace at any cost. I didn't know the cost was giving up myself. And no one else seemed to notice -no one but me.
My life had begun with so much promise. I'd been a good student. I hadn't made many of the mistakes my classmates did. I thought I was steady, reliable and a common sense thinker. So why couldn't I do anything right in my marriage?
Thankfully, our three children were not the victims of my husband's violent temper - I was. And as long as that temper was directed at me, it didn't hurt my children, did it?
My car left the freeway, and I headed in the opposite direction of the beautiful sunset. I hated to leave the florescent sky behind, but my trip must continue. I was headed home.
Home, now, was not with that man. After sixteen years, I left him. Despite much counseling, I could find no way to reconcile our miserable marriage. When we sought the help of pastors and counselors, my husband always made it clear that I was the "bad guy." But by this time I was convinced that he didn't love me, and I realized how evil he had been.
My family was devastated by the divorce. No one in our family had ever divorced. It just wasn't done. My family's shame was almost worse than the bad marriage. There were secrets about my marriage that even they didn't know. I tried to explain, but I couldn't bring myself to relive the details. They didn't trust me, so I was on my own. I learned to live with that pain as well, but I had never felt so lonely.
Seven years after the divorce, home was now an eighty-year-old farmhouse on a beautiful country road. I was remarried to a peaceful soul like myself, whom I learned I could trust. We worked together on our home - remodeling, landscaping, building. We were constructing more than a house - we were building a new life. My family was more understanding now, and my kids had weathered the rough years after the divorce, much as our farmhouse had weathered the winds of time. They were doing very well. "Staying together for the sake of the children," simply doesn't work - it's a lie. My children now know that everyone deserves respect, even mom.
I'd learned what marriage was really all about. As head of the household, a man was meant to lead, but not bully, push, manipulate, threaten and criticize. My current husband was a gentle shepherd, not a drill sergeant. He was someone who could be respected and honored - a man of character and commitment. Power and control meant nothing to this man. He was committed to "love as Christ loved the Church."
Not far from home, I climbed a hill and suddenly was stirred out of my reverie. A brilliant sunset, more brilliant than any I'd ever seen, radiated in the rearview mirror. The vibrant oranges and vivid pinks held me spellbound. I rounded a turn at the top of the hill and pulled to the side of the road. With tears streaming down my face, I witnessed God's awesome creativity at work. I also knew exactly what He was trying to tell me at that very moment. While I was going through those hard times, God knew what I didn't. He knew that one day I would look back and see His brilliant master plan. God didn't put me through the abuse, but He used it to create a masterpiece -one I couldn't see at the time, but only when I looked back on it. I'd weathered the storm, and God was right there with me all the time. I was never alone.
I sat for several moments, drinking in the beauty of the incredible sunset. I eased back on the road and rounded another bend. That sunset was with me all the way home in the rearview mirror - just as God had been.
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NOTE: Won Without A Word does not advocate divorce. It does, however, in extreme instances, strongly suggest physical separation until the perpetrator of the abuse has had intense, prolonged, counseling and has had ample time to prove that his ways have changed drastically. Please be aware that in some instances, this may literally take years.
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Woman needs help to break cycle of physical abuse
Dear Abby:I am a 24-year-old woman married to a 44-year-old man I'll call Harlan.
The abuse didn't start until six months after we were married. It didn't happen often at first, so I felt like I deserved being hit. Three years into our marriage, Harlan kicked me until I curled up in the fetal position. Then he soaked me with lighter fluid and told me he'd be right back after he ran a tub of water so he could put me out after I burned. When he left, I jumped into my car and left for the first tune.
Soon after, I met someone. He was a great guy and I wanted so badly to be happy, but after six months I returned to Harlan. Harlan had promised that things would be different and, at first, they were great -- until he started drinking again.
Then one day I got in the car with him, and he said we were going for a ride. He pulled out a pistol, pointed it at my head, and told me I'd never breathe again. He made me get on my knees and beg for my life. • Then he ordered me to get into the trunk of the car. I refused, and he fired a shot. The bullet buzzed past my head. Next, he told me to get back in the car next to him. He pointed the gun in my direction and fired. I lost the hearing in my left ear and had severe headaches for months afterward.
You would think after all that I'd leave and never come back, because each time I do it gets worse. I have reported Harlan to the police and they had evidence against him, but still refuse to do anything. My heart is aching and I feel like I am to blame. Please help me. I love my husband, Abby but I know in my heart if I don't go I'll end up badly hurt. -- Hurting in Oklahoma
Dear Hurting:
Your letter curled my hair. If you don't leave your husband you will wind up DEAD. Although you love him, you must wake up and recognize that his abuse has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is sick, without the normal controls that people need to function in a healthy relationship, and he is dangerous.
When dealing with a personality like your husband's, you must be very careful about leaving. The people at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you formulate an escape plan. Their toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. (They also have a TTY number for the hearing-impaired: [800] 787-3224.) Once you are safely away, you will need psychological help to break this cycle, and I pray that this time you'll get it.
You will have to make a new start, and mental health professionals who deal with domestic violence can help you accomplish it. I wish you luck.
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EMOTIONAL ABUSE
- Criticizes, humiliates, ridicules, belittles, embarrasses you
- Ignores your feelings
- Calls you names or shouts at you
- Keeps you from working, controls all money, makes all decisions
- Threatens to hurt you or your family
- Manipulates with lies and contradictions
- Refuses to work
- Isolates you from friends and family
- Threatens to kidnap or harm children
PHYSICAL ABUSE
- Pushes, kicks, slaps, hits, strangles you
- Keeps you from leaving
- Destroys objects/throws objects at you
- Locks you out of the house
- Abandons you
- Subjects you to wreckless driving
- Refuses to help you when ill, injured, or pregnant
- Threatens or uses a weapon against you
- Abuses or kills pets to hurt you
- Destroys or sells your possessions
SEXUAL ABUSE
- Forces sex/stripping against your will
- Minimizes your feelings about sex
- Criticizes you sexually
- Assumes you would have sex with any available person
- Commits sadistic sexual acts
- Has affairs after agreeing not to
- Publicly shows interest in others
CYCLE OF ABUSE
- Tension Building Stage
Tension builds and there´s a feeling of “walking on egg shells.” The victim may try to be perfect to prevent any more abuse.
- Abusive Incident Stage
The tension explodes in a physicaly and/or emotionally abusive incident. The victim is most often blamed for the incident and may blame themselves.
- Loving Behavior Stage
The abuser says he/she is sorry, begs for forgiveness, and promises it won´t happen again and may say that he/she will get counseling. Physical intimacy is often coerced. The seriousness of the incident is minimized, and the tension starts to build again.
- The Cycle Starts Over Again
The next time the assault occurs, chances are it will be more severe. Statistics indicate that the abuse becomes more severe over time.
- Physical Violence/Abuse will expand
Abuse toward a spouse will nearly always expand to include children in the home.
NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED
Source: local women’s crisis shelter
GETTING HELP
If YOU are suffering from ANY kind of abuse, please get the help you need by contacting:
1) your pastor/his wife;
2) a local women's crisis center,
3) a national abuse hotline.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-SAFE (7233)
RAIN Hotline (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network)
(800) 656-HOPE
Learn how to respond to abuse; learn how to deal with abusive people. You are a very PRECIOUS human being in the sight of God, and you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, gentleness, honor, and respect. Do NOT tolerate abuse!!
Every husband and wife should keep these Scriptures in mind in their dealings with one another:
22 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church." Ephesians 5:22-29
Submitting does not mean dominated, abused, mistreated; it means deferring to the decisions of the head of the home; the spiritual head which the Lord God Himself put in place.
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." Colossians 3:18-19
"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them [your wives] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; [why?] that your prayers be not hindered." 1 Peter 3:7
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5
Every one of us shall give account to God.
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